I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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