Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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