I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
i love accidental penises.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Randomize
