I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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