You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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