she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
not ubering you a puppy
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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