I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
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