he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
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