remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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