My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Randomize
