you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
