so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
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