My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Randomize
