paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize
