I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Actions speak louder than pants.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
