he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
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