hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
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There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
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I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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