I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
i just walked passed a table of guys by myself.. they looked @ me talked and then yelled 7
id pin you as more of an 8
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
