Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
how is it that boston is so bitchin and the rest of massachusetts sucks so much?
how is it that you still think "bitchin" is an acceptable term anymore?
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
