my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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