Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Randomize
