SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
