Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
