Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Randomize
