im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
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