im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
