just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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