I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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