did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
