2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
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