I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
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