there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
