I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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