I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
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