I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
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