i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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