Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Randomize
