girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Randomize
