It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
