Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Randomize
