he wasnt completely random
you're right. you met him once and didnt know his name. you still dont
i get things done.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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