And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
