I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Randomize
