Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
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