Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
