U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
no more duck duck goose at the bar
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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