He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Randomize
