need another drink. this is the easiest way
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
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