Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
