oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Randomize
