how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
Randomize
