It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
