I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Randomize
