Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
