There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
