i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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